OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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