he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
