In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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