Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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