okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
