Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
