how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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