I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
