Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
