remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
