i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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