new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
