i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
