do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Houston, we have a squirter
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
