I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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