after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
