No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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