How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
