shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
