Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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