My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
