I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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