you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
