When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
