member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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