70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
