Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
