my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
