My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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