My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
