Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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