We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
