Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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