I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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