if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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