you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Everclear isn't food dammit
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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