I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
