i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
