My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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