dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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