He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
pray to the hookup gods
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
