no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
