just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
