wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
