Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
