dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
