took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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