i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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