THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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