I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
