Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
