he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
